Dating detractions

Editor’s Note: The following article is one of opinion and humor. The opinions reflected in this piece are held only by the author and do not reflect any position of ABP.

By Jesse Budd

Staff Humor Columnist

Involved. When did we start using the word involved to mean “dating?”
“Are you two… you know… Involved?”
Involved in what? A heist? When I think involved, I think along the lines of:

“There was a burglary on 4th avenue, 3 gunman were involved?”
“Chanel, you best get out of town. I’m involved in something serious…”

And then there’s:
“Are you two… involved?”
“I didn’t do it I swear! We just started out friends, a little small talk… Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it… we were… INVOLVED!”

I was thinking about getting involved one day, so I went clothes shopping. If you want the ladies, then you gotta look nice.

One thing I noticed is that clothes look a lot cooler on the mannequins. Mannequins are always brawny and posed in interesting positions.
“Oh THAT’S what I’d look like in those clothes if I was buff and missing a head!”

It would be nice to have mannequins that fit my demographic a little better.

“Can I see that on a taller, skinnier, and whiter mannequin? OK, now can you have him hunched over a computer doing homework?”

On the flip side, the girl mannequins look like the brawny man mannequin’s Barbie girlfriend. So I got thinking, maybe I should just take a picture with one of the mannequins, make her a Facebook page and pretend she’s my girl friend. 

“Why don’t we ever see your girlfriend?”
“Oh she gets stuck at work. She has a rigorous schedule”
“Where does she work?”
“She’s a cloths model.”
“You’re dating a model?”
“Yeah, people think I like her just because she’s on display all the time…”
“She’s got a personality too?”
“Oh yeah, she’s very thick skinned and understands that some things are better left unsaid.” 

Word will soon spread that you’re dating a mannequin, and all of your girl friends will be jealous and will want some of the action that new mannequin girl friend is getting.

The kiss. That’s what they’ll want. Freud failed at answering the question, “What do women want,” but the answer is quite simple: The kiss is what they miss. Women want this kiss. It’s on the list.

Look at the Disney princesses. They want the kiss. Magical things tend to happen when the kiss happens. For mermaids, they can talk after the kiss. For others, they wake up from their sleepy death. The kiss was always the greatest moment in these movies, and is why the sequels are always strait to VHS. The kiss already happened. 
“How can you make an interesting post kiss story?” Thoughts ladies?

If you’re a guy, girls will always drill you with the seemingly innocent question of “what’s your favorite Disney princess!!!! lol” before you impulsively and foolishly shout out the answer that your favorite is Ariel, but remember men, this is a test. Girls are analyzing the smallest micro movements on your face when you answer. Girls are 10 times more receptive to body language, so by the time you’re going through this in your head, you’re already screwed.

Girls are looking for the correct answer. Ariel is NOT the correct answer. The correct answer is Belle. (That’s the one that married that Bad “A” beast character…) Just say Belle. Don’t ask why. If you’re morally opposed to saying Belle, I’ve come up with another way out of it. Simply tell her your least favorite princess. That’s right, I’m talking about the “princess and the pea” princess.

Who in the right mind wants to be with someone who can feel a pea underneath a mattress? That prince dude was either drunk, or had Jafar hypnotizing him to believe a freakishly sensitive girl is a catch. Imagine trying to sleep at night:
“If you can’t control those dang vibrations from your heart, then it’s the couch again for you!”

Since the kiss is so important girls I did a little research on what makes a good kiss. What I came up with is this: 1) Trumpet players, and 2) the guys who can unwrap a starburst in their mouth. Have you heard that before? Have you ever unwrapped a starburst in your mouth? There’s a lot more TEETH then lip action going on there, and the elongated facial expressions that come with it looks nothing like Prince Phillip’s kiss.

Girls wont say it, but they aren’t really looking for a “good kiss,” they’re merely looking for a “not bad” kiss. That’s all a good kiss is, a bad kiss minus the bad.  If you watch the tapes (Disney of course) you’ll see that the kiss is merely putting two lips together and going, “mwuh.” It’s when you stray too far from that when you get into the BAD kiss zone.

Hopefully you saw some of our more “seasoned” kissers at True Aggie Night demonstrate their “skills” (if you know what I mean). If you’re still “VL” after that night (Freshman) we WILL find you.  We will stop you.  

Here at USU we do everything we can to get people to kiss, whether by kiss cam at a game, true aggie night, or to win an iPod, you’re going down.  Legend has it that every time an aggie kisses, an angel gets its wings.  Now you don’t want to deprive a poor little angel of its wings do you?  How’s he supposed to get around?  Show a little charity, and kiss someone dang it!

AJ

 

 

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